An Ode to Her Soul

The soul of her existence inspired life in me.

The energy of her presence reminded me of the true meaning of life’s quarrels.

Her unique aura reminded me of a time when chaos and harmony clashed together to create beautiful and wicked life as it once was before.

Her doubts and insecurities reminded me that we’re all just humans full of emotions which I may never fully understand and will never completely appreciate.

But my manhood is the compliment of her womanhood. Her soul is the Yin and my mind is the Yang. Her ethereal being is the light to my darker reality which I will never show her. Her blossoming life force is what attracts people to gather together and become happier. My life force reminds people of the necessary harshness of our natural world and order.

My coarse hands interlace with her soft and reassuring palms. Her existence is both significant to me and a nuisance. For she is both as necessary as the air we breathe; and ironically so, she is also the metaphorical pain in my heart reminding me that we must deal with emotions even if we wish emotions could just disappear.

Her emotional intelligence far exceeds my mathematical mindset. Her natural intuition senses things I’ll never see. In contrast, the man’s perception of the physical life we live will never quite phase her own life force. For her heart is beyond the physical manifestations of our being. Woman is not of bleak reality. No, she is of boundless creativity ready to burst open at the seams with unapologetic life.

Yet she also has a strange way of keeping me grounded when I begin to try and live past the physical manifestation of this existence. For I will never know the world a woman lives in; and I’ve accepted that I am okay with such a truth.

I will never know her secrets, her wisdom, her thoughts, or her own personal desires for a truly balanced life.

But in that same regard, she will never know the secrets I know, the adventures I go on, or the memories created. She will never know the many loves of my life. For even though she is a huge part of my life- she isn’t my entire life. I appreciate her existence and presence, but I also must have my own space just as much as she needs hers.

I feel selfish, and I wish I didn’t feel this way.

But life is about the golden memories we create, not the overarching society. It’s about enduring through the pains and heartache and remembering that as a man, I can’t afford to stop and remorse for lost loved ones.

For the same society that hinders her personal freedoms, also forbids my emotions and thoughts. For she may not realize it yet; but her existence far exceeds my own. She is the bearer of all human life, and I am merely a man. A man who can certainly do great things; but does not care for pandering to the society which holds us all back.

For I champion not my own success, but the success of brighter and smarter individuals. We are all faced with adversity, and in this ever-changing world full of automation and machine; I have reverted back to being human. I have been reminded of the true world of possibilities and imagination once again. It rests with humans, not with machines.

Through these last couple of years, I’ve come to realize that a woman’s life is full of so many interesting, sad, funny, horrifying, amazing, unique, and miscellaneous moments. Her existence is one of pure good and evil. She lives knowing the truth of our being, knowing that humans are her children to raise. To know that the world will one day take her children’s innocence away without her consent or forewarning. She knows that all of her loved ones will fade away, and one day, she will find herself alone and reminded of our boring, bleak, and uneventful reality.

But unlike man; she will also have her own secret memories to cherish forevermore through time immemorial.

And moreover, she still has purpose in her life. She will guide the hand of the misguided, the abandoned, and the forgotten. For she will remain steadfast in her judgment of what’s truly right and what is wickedly wrong. For even though my own judgment may be clouded by unchanging circumstances a man must go trough in his life; she will fight with a voice mightier than any lion; louder than any howling wind, and more potent than any poison. For her words sting the hardest, grow the thickest, and blossom the brightest. For she has a way with her presence that sways me to secretly believe her every word. Love has a funny way of blinding a man from otherwise obvious signs of danger or misgivings.

I know she will never truly understand a man’s world – but at the end of the day, as long as we both know that our love burns brightly in this small moment in time; then I can live with the fact that we may never see each other again.

My days are filled with meaning only because of her joy. My sorrows only exist because of her true and feigned emotions. My heart only beats due to the boundless love and bottomless anger she makes me feel at times. It’s passion, and I don’t know what I would do without her love. I would find another, and another, and another. For I could never live without a woman’s love. A woman’s love is the purest form of love there is in the world. She may not realize it right now, but her heart and her thoughts are what makes this world magical again.

We see eye-to-eye and understand that we will forever be at-odds. She understands we have roles to play; temporary parts to a fading play. She knows that this lifetime is short, so she makes the best of her days. I may have just realized my own mortality; but she knew of death the moment she realized she could create life.

I could go on about my admiration and amazement at woman’s existence; but I won’t. I know she understands our existential manifestation, and our never-ending love for passion. She knows man is nothing with woman, and in that same regard- even if she never voices it; she understands that life would be meaningless without man’s toil and aggression.

But in the end, when the curtains of this fading play finally drape down at the end; I will die knowing that I’ll never find another one of her. She was my first love, and she’ll forever be my last.

 

Forever in Your Debt,

R.S. Noel

 

Source of photo: (click me to view photo credits!)

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30 thoughts on “An Ode to Her Soul

    1. Thank you; for some reason during my reflections for this year I thought of my ex. She and I spent 3 year together. They were an awesome and amazing 3 years with all the turbulences and natural pains of a relationship

      Liked by 1 person

      1. Totally understand.. I had the same problem this year but with a good friend.. a short lived but beautiful friendship that ended in a disaster because we both didn’t communicate and ended up behaving badly and all these were new to me. Reading this blog made me understand him as a man. Throughout the turbulence he remained logical .. I am normally a highly rational person but I got too emotional for my own good. But now I understand why he behaved the way he did after reading this. Insightful. I wish we could forget things, put things behind and become friends again though ..

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      2. I feel the same way with her. I was so unprepared when I dated her. She was awesome though, but I never felt like I was on the same emotional level as her. I actually didn’t feel like I utilized my emotions as much as I know I could have. But I don’t regret my time with her. I think your friend probably feels the same way about you; even if relationships unfortunately end the way they do sometimes. I know I would help her out if I ever found out she was in a rut. I also wish life was like that too, where everyone could still be friends even after a relatively “soft” break-up.

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      3. I’m also sorry that you and your friend couldn’t work it out. Speaking for men, I can say we are socialized not to put so much emphasis on growing our emotional intelligence. Also, our attention spans can be short (minus when we absolutely must focus). I also noticed after my puberty years, that women tend to put others before themselves, and I completely admire that about them. I also respect the fact that most women can read a room and understand what’s going on; I mean, what’s really going on lol.

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      4. Yes though putting everyone’s needs ahead of ours comes with a price. And yes, reading a room can be so so exhausting.. sometimes ignorance is bliss. But then the thing with my friend is I apologized to him from my heart .. so many times even though the fault was equally ours. I had my own problems and personal issues. But he thought everything I did or my behavior was all because of him. I pegged him to be a really mature and perceptive person because he is 10 years older than I am. He does not want to make up. Also he was never direct or straightforward with me about issues or what was in his mind or why did he always misunderstand me? He just decided to run and not address anything with me inspite of calling me his friend and family. I agreed to all my faults. I accepted my side of the blame. I came of as very clingy and whiney. But the situation was like that. My mental state of mind was like that. My brain was so addled with everything going on in my life. Also I didn’t communicate with him clearly. I pushed him away because I didn’t want him to see me at my lowest and when I was extremely vulnerable and confused and unable to think for myself or make my own decisions. I am not that person. Even he knows. I just couldn’t control anything that was happening around me especially my mood swings, anxiety and thoughts. He called me his friend and family. I guess he didn’t mean it. If he did he wouldn’t have cut off from me. Trust was very important to me. I never break anybody’s trust or bitch about people. I am very loyal. But he broke my trust and bitched and gossiped behind my back. Still I give him/gave him the benefit of doubt. Yet he chose not to clear things with me. Yet, I have seen the sensitive, kind, caring, compassionate, loving, emotional, mischievous, child like side of him. And his behavior baffles me. You do not abandon friends when they are struggling. That is not what friends or family do. I never expected anything out of him except to laugh and have fun and hang out doing fun things. All I needed was a little space and time and someone to guide me the right way. He did try but I pushed him away but he was so patronizing at times. He thought everything was about him. When in reality I was just withdrawn and minding my own business and was suffering from severe anxiety unable to even think or talk .. unable to trust anyone around me. I had genuine affection for him and thought the world of him. For him I was just a waste of time. His words were meaningless and empty. When I asked him why he hurt me? He said I didn’t belong in the group project with him and others because I was not making it a happy environment for anyone because of my moods and confusion and attitude. Do friends do that to each other? And he kept saying everything was in my head and I was imagining things when it was not .. when people in the group assumed everything I did or said or my mood or attitude was all because of them when I had greater problems and worries in life. He said all their jabs and gossips and judgments and insinuations were all in my mind without giving me a chance to explain. I am a harmless person who finds happiness in small things in life. I was in a hole, struggling to get out but he buried me alive. Yet I admitted all my mistakes and apologized and forgave him. What is stopping him from doing the same and becoming friends, starting afresh with a clean slate? Because he didn’t mean it when he called me his friend and family? He things I am not good enough to be his friend? Was I a meaningless person to him? I don’t understand.

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      5. I’m truly sorry to hear that it didn’t work out :(. I can tell that you mean well, and that you wish to turn back time so that you could still be with him. But the truth is that both of you must move on. You cannot live in regret, you cannot persecute yourself so harshly for things that are out of your control. If he doesn’t want to fully accept your apologizes for your part in the breakup, then that is his decision. You have to forgive him, for he has moved on. Men tend to move on quickly, but in the end, we hurt the most throughout our entire lifespan. We aren’t given the opportunities to feel emotions constantly; for we must be logical and preparing each day for the survival of our loved ones and ourselves. You did nothing wrong for wanting to get back with him; but he does not want to. You must accept this fact, and move on. Life doesn’t pause for our desires or wants/needs. Life moves on, but how you start to change with the force of life, will determine who you meet next, where you go; and more importantly, what you experience. You must find it in your heart to forgive his inability to want to get back together with you. He is in a different place in his life, and he is allowing you to slowly grow out of the relationship as well. I know for women it can be harder to move on because of your higher emotional intelligence; but again, you must forgive your friend. Men, for the most part, aren’t granted that luxury of having incredibly high emotional intelligence when compared to women. Accept that life is full of mysteries we will never fully understand. Only then will you begin to find peace-of-mind in your life :).

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      6. Yeah .. I’ve moved on .. it was not a romantic relationship.. it was Friendship.. and I am more cautious in life before trusting anyone anymore.. my hurt here stems from the fact that I didn’t get any answers or explanation for what happened and why he did what he had to do and destroy me without consideration to what I am going through.. inspite of being 10 years older than me. Anyway past is past. I have moved on. No matter what if I ever think of him or come across him, I will only remember good times and have the same kind of affection for him that I’ve always had.

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    1. Hey mydangblog :), I’m sure your significant other, Ken, does love you. But as men, we don’t express ourselves openly to others. I was only able to open up because I’m behind a computer screen typing this up. With that said, you can be reassured that he cares for you deeply. It’s all in his actions, you’ll be able to see :).

      Liked by 1 person

      1. Congratulations :)! Holy cow, marriages aren’t made the same way anymore. You’re definitely lucky to have such an awesome husband; and he’s even luckier to have an amazing wife :)! Wow, you’re marriage has lasted longer than the years I’ve been alive (24 years). Wow, that’s amazing, I’m still in shock and awe!

        Liked by 1 person

    1. Hey stripSearchLA :)! Thank you friend, I have really felt a strong sense of truth flow into me recently. I can only say it was a higher power which has done this. Every time I write, I lose myself and allow God to show me the way through all of the deception and lies. Storytelling is fun, but in some way, I like that the writing that comes out of this articles has some form of universal truth marked upon it :).

      Liked by 2 people

      1. I hope so – this has not been a good year for me, but thankfully nothing medical. Just issues with my house … in trying to be proactive and improve the house, I got a slew of bad contractors which caused me $$ and mess and I am so discouraged by it. This has been a bad year for many I know – sickness and death, so I count myself lucky and blessed to have good health. They say going through bad times makes you stronger – so, we have to look at it that way.

        Liked by 1 person

      2. House problems are a pain- we had issues with contractors too at one point a couple years back. But like you said, as long as you have your health, that’s really all that matters after everything is said and done.

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