Irony of Spirituality and Love

Today was like any other day.

I woke up, readied myself, and drove off to school.

I took notes in Statistics and my Accounting class. I studied, did a little bit of homework, and even went for a little walk.

But that’s where my day changed forever.

It’s no secret I love to go on long-walks. Whether it be at Descanso Gardens (my favorite place to find peace and quiet when I need it), or whether it be driving up to Deukmejian Park to hike the mountains behind it (yes, it’s a weird name for a park if you’re not familiar with the La Crescenta/Montrose area lol). The point is, I like to move, to feel the natural light hitting my hands and arms, to leap form rock-to-rock while I return to the world of imagination in my mind. Rushing down the many slopes, and leaping up the steeper ascents; my journey is one filled with unmitigated emotions which wash over me with arduous force and unclear intent.

But that’s what made this particular day so different.

I felt Cupid’s Arrow strike me down. The arrow which leads to love.

Love of an intense kind.

One that is unmoving and definitive. A love that knows no bounds. The kind of love that shows you what’s truly important in life.

I found myself falling deeply in love; but not with anything in the real world.

No, I was enamored with the love of two of the characters in my work-in-progress book titled “Arkanim: Tales of the Fated Souls”.

I found myself so-in-love with these two character’s love, that I walked around all of Descanso Gardens with a red face. The kind of face which was burning hot with the illustrious passions of these two characters.

Their names? Garbol Estion and Rhea Orlette Cornira.

Their love is one of deep meaning, of two star-crossed lovers. As tragic as that might sound, the genuine love they share is one of realism. It is of the ups-and-downs; it is one of mishaps and some missteps. Somewhat naive, and even a bit conflicting at first. But this kind of love is only experienced once in a lifetime.

I often wonder if I’ll ever find true love like this again. I’m always busy, constantly trying to get myself out there in the world in as many ways possible.

I remember dating a very special girl for 3 years, her essence was so caring and genuine whenever I was around her. We had an amazing 3 years together, and she was my first for everything. She showed me what love looks like; what it feels like, and how to respond to love with a woman. She gave me hope in life; she showed me the brighter side of an otherwise dark and bleak reality.

But after a series of events, I found myself dashed with depression of reality. The reality that I needed to end the relationship with her. I had no choice; I felt as though I was going nowhere with my life (at the time, since I had just gotten out of high school); and I didn’t want to bring her down with me since she was a little older than me; in her prime years to be exact. She certainly wanted to settle down and have a nice life.

Throughout the entire time I was with her; she never once told me she didn’t mind that I wasn’t “rich”. She told me she didn’t care if I didn’t have a house or a mansion; or a Ferrari or Mercedes. I’ll never forget how much she loved me for who I was; who I used to be.

She was an angel, and I know deep down, I’ll never meet another girl like her. If she ever needed help down the line; I would always be willing to be there to help her out. I will always be available for her, no matter what she needs.

You see, a woman’s love is pure. It’s untainted by reality. It’s a mental drug men can’t get enough of. It causes us to go blind with devotion and dedication. True love, like that kind, will cause a man to walk half-way around the world to find his woman. I still feel the flames of passion for her; I still feel the burning desire of pure love that she left in me. Her beautiful outlook on life caused me to break my seemingly never ending cycle of deep depression. But in the end, I wasn’t silly enough to hold her back. I knew; even if she didn’t at the time; that she needed to find someone who was out of college; had a start on their career (even if they were just starting out), and settled down with them.

I truly loved her, and it took a lot for me let her go. I know deep down, she understood my choice too. Of course, it didn’t make it any easier for her; but I know she knew the reasons why I had to let her go.

Life is full of countless ironies and wrong-timings. If I had met her; say, 3 years later, perhaps it would have worked out wonderfully. But I met her too soon in my disheveled life. You see, life is too short to waste away; and at that time in my life; and didn’t have any clear outlook for what I wanted to do with my life. Back when I was young, I lived for the moment and didn’t care much for planning. I was a true free-spirit then. Now, I am more mature and realize that every action has an effecting consequence.

Put simply, at the end of the day, I didn’t want her to live with any regrets. I wanted her to find some semblance of balance and equilibrium in her own life. To keep her to myself when I didn’t even know what I wanted out of life, would have been selfish and single-minded. I would have delayed her own natural progression in life to go further in her career, to start a family, and to eventually settle down. I was not the person to provide that for her at that time in my life. In fact, I’m still now. But that’s simply because my priorities in life are focused primarily on school.

And thus, this is where I conclude today’s post. Life is full of numerous mysteries and countless uncertainties, and we must learn to take each day at a time. Live and let grow. that’s my motto for today.

 

Forever in Your Debt,

R.S. Noel

 

Source of photo: (View me to view photo credits)

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Comments

    • I feel better for letting her go her own way. I didn’t want to be a hinderance on her since I was working out my life. In a way, it taught me that life takes it’s own course- it just depends on how you react to the things that happen in your life. With that said, I don’t regret anything that happened between her and I. I’ll always remember her for as long as I live. She was amazing.

      Liked by 1 person

  1. I enjoyed what you said about getting wrapped up in your characters love. I think those sorts of character relationships demand that sort of involvement from the author in order to really come alive within the story.

    Also glad to hear you’ve experienced love like that in your life and had the maturity to end it before things grew bad between you. I wish I could travel back in time and tell my younger self that.

    Liked by 1 person

    • Hearing that you also faced such an experience has led me to feel better about myself after ending that relationship with her. You stated it best; things could have grew bad between me and her if I continued the relationship. It would certainly be selfish on my part, and I didn’t want to do that to her. She was better then that. I knew if it were in a different time period, I would have made it work regardless of what I needed to do. But I know that in this lifetime, my life is not my own. I cannot solely focus on my personal life. There are “things” I have to pursue before this journey is all said and done. Kinda makes me feel heroic, I guess a bit of vanity. As romantic as the thought of adventure sounds to me, I know I must uphold my own moral values in order to fulfill my duty to others and to the future generations to come. That’s my purpose; whether I succeed or not is an entirely different story altogether.

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    • I don’t think you should have any regrets though; I mean about not ending things before they grew bad. Wherever you were in life at that time when you were younger; it was meant to happen that way. Life gives all of us good moments, and it also more importantly gives us bad ones. But I suppose that really doesn’t make the pain of such memories ebb away; it still lingers in the back of your mind from time-to-time. I look at it like this: no matter where you are today, you have the chance to make this memory count. I like to live with this frame of mind. It makes for an adventurous experience whenever you go into anything without much prior expectations for what you should expect.

      Liked by 1 person

    • I knew the relationship would have eventually “gone bad”. We both had tried to make it work for the last 8 months we were together. I didn’t want to remember the relationship for becoming bitter. And I felt good knowing that both her and I tried our best to work it out. If I met her even now, I don’t think it would have worked out. But I don’t regret ever knowing her. Regardless, it was best for me to end it. We were both stubborn as hell lol.

      Liked by 1 person

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