During Times of Darkness

When it comes to the reality of our existence, many of us are faced with the demented reality of our demons. Not literal demons, but the parts of our lives we would rather not discuss openly with any other person. Not even our closest confidant. It’s almost as though the environment of secrets and deceptions we’ve all been growing up in, invariably has some kind of effect on us as we get older and older with each year. It’s strange how mortality works.

I’m not sure if you’ve ever come face-to-face with death, but speaking from personal experience, I’ve come very close to her fatal grip. It was when I was ten years old, one night at around 2 in the morning; staring out of the kitchen window into my family’s secluded backyard; when I considered the unthinkable.

I was so very close to facing my death. It was a strangely humbling moment to realize the balance of life and death; and how fragile it can be at times. The very fringes of existence had hung in the balance like never before in my life. It was a dark time, and I’m not ashamed to admit that it existed. It was a part of who I was, and even who I am now. I’m not sure how to better explain the experience, but the best way I can describe it is that it’s akin to the feeling you get when you look up to the night sky and stare out at the  all-engulfing starry night sky. There’s a deeper sense of connection you have with the universe. It’s as though you finally begin to feel connected with the world; and everything that’s around you for the first time in your life.

The strange part is that I felt in my heart of hearts; that my family would understand. I’m not sure how I can explain this, but in some way, humans have this sort of innate primal knowledge, the knowledge that not every single offspring can survive in this dog-eat-dog world.

Perhaps, in another strange conundrum of life, that’s the reason why society will never fully work. To have an ideal or utopian society, you would need everyone to be “submissive” or “robotic”. That wouldn’t be a very interesting life though, and for some reason or another, humans have remained as a species which harbors a mixture of deep-rooted emotions and boundless logic.

Well, now that you have some idea of where I’m coming form; I’ll explain to you now how all of this ties into my journey in becoming a writer.

A sense of adventure and a desire for traveling has always stirred within me. This is the part of my life which has always given me hope for a memorable life-experience. To meet all types of people, learn about the many different/vivid cultures, and to understand just how diverse the world truly is. Just as much as I’ve always enjoyed creating imaginary worlds in my mind, I’ve also loved seeing the real world and the different lifestyles that are out there. Seeing and hearing the many sights and sounds of such places of secret existence is the best treasure of life.

In some way, my innate curiosity helped heal my broken heart and soul. Because what had initially caused me to nearly face my existential end, was the fact that I had been naive enough to believe the lie of a “cookie-cutter” lifestyle.

It wasn’t for me, and it never will. And I knew this would make my parents, especially my mom, very sad. I can’t settle, I can’t just sit around in a nice little condo/house and work the rest of my life away while life is happening out there in the world. The problem for me, was realizing that my life was not my own. No one’s life is their own, and that’s why I felt my soul shatter. It was the sorrow of knowing that nobody in the whole world can stop the inevitable. We certainly have the potential courage to change our fates, but often times, it comes at a cost.

My whole life, up until the moment I had begun to realize “the truths” of not only my small life, but also the lives of countless other people; I had thought everyone was living their life they way they wanted to live it. But reality had hit me, and for one reason or another, it had been a soul-shattering wake-up call for me.

Thus, when all-else had failed me; the one place I could turn to was my mind.

The world I had created was one of multifaceted drama, of experiences that were very unlike the mundane and pre-determined life I had once lived. It sprouted a never-ending fountain of creativity within me. Though I was on the brink of this life and the next, I felt something change in me. Something that reminded me what all of this madness we call life was truly all about.

To push through all the crap, to fight for your passions, and to accept that sometimes you will fail miserably. But what matters the most, is how quickly you forgive yourself and move on to the next goal or obstacle in your path.

To run through life with a sense of growing restlessness within one’s soul; that feeling you sometimes get of connecting with the world on a whole new level. This is the true meaning of life. To seek out the secrets that nobody speaks of, or even knows of. This was the life I sought out. This was the experience I wanted to remember when I grew older.

Now that I’m 24 years old, I’m nearly finished with creating the foundation for myself in order to actually create such memories in a “stable” environment (because let’s face it, even majoring in business/accounting doesn’t guarantee that you’ll have a “stable” life. Truth is, there is no such thing as “stable).

Yet the drive within me to create even more memories with different people from other countries, is what moves me forward each day. I’ve gained a new insight into what it means to be human in a world which is ever-changing. To be grounded and have a solid foundation; these are the things that matter the most out of life. No matter what pettiness exists in your life, or any other obstacles that may be hindering your “advancement” in life, you have to look past these insignificant parts of life; and remember that what truly matters is the experiences you have with those who truly matter to you. Your loved ones.


Forever in Your Debt,

R.S. Noel

13 thoughts on “During Times of Darkness

    1. It’s nice to know I’m not alone in this endeavor. We often find ourselves sharing the same sufferings at different times in our lives. I’m glad that you enjoyed this post, will be uploading the next one on Monday.

      Liked by 1 person

  1. I grew up in a small town of 1800 people. There were few jobs and great number of people on welfare. So I decided when I finished high school that I would join the military. When you join they have you fill out a form called a dream sheet where you pick the places that you would like to be stationed. I picked all places closest to my home as I had literally no desire to travel anywhere. As it turns out my first assignment was South Korea! I was in shock. How was going to survive in a place where the culture, language, and food was totally different than my own? That was in 1981, I have lived overseas the vast majority of the time since then. It turns out that what I thought was a great misfortune was really the best thing that ever happened to me! I have had an incredible life and experienced so many things that most people where I was from could never dream of. Stability in life is overrated!

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Wow, that sounds like an interesting story for a book. Going from relative obscurity to finding your footing in traveling the world. That’s the life I’ve always dreamed of since I was a kid. I’m so close to achieving that lifestyle. Once I finish college, I promised myself that I would travel the world before settling down at some accounting firm or business firm. Seems like the kind of life meant for me; a wild and free spirit untamable. Seeing new places and meeting new people, that sounds promising. Thank you for sharing your story, it’s restored some faith in my perspective of life 🙂


      1. Thank you buddhistronin :), looking forward to utilizing everything I can to make that dream a reality. It seems like such a distant dream, but if I work hard enough, and stay with the grind of life for a while longer; I know I can do it. Just gotta stay focused and in the zone.

        Liked by 1 person

    1. Oh wow, I’m sorry to hear that 😦 – when I was researching what death feels like, that’s what I came across a lot on the Internet. I can’t even imagine how strange and horrifying that must have felt like for you. I would ask how it happened, but I feel like that would be insensitive to your experience. All I know is that I’m glad you came back from death’s grip. It seems like it truly is an eternal slumber.


      1. thelucidhours

        It’s ok, I can talk about it now without flinching hehe. The thing was, it wasn’t horrifying like I thought it would be. It made me question why we are so scared of it. Maybe coz there seems to be a sense of finality? FYI, I’m one of those people that don’t believe that death is the end.

        Liked by 1 person

      2. Same as well; I know that “this experience” is merely the end of our physical existence. But even when we’re living, we can sense the energy forces around us. We can’t prove our souls exists; and yet, everyone in the world knows “that feeling” we have in us which never leaves our presences. It’s as though that is our true self. We are, in a sense, merely a soul trapped in a body; not the other way around. Thus, there are two sides of this existence, and we may very well be living in one part of existence without proving the other side exists.


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