When it comes to the reality of our existence, many of us are faced with the demented reality of our demons. Not literal demons, but the parts of our lives we would rather not discuss openly with any other person. Not even our closest confidant. It’s almost as though the environment of secrets and deceptions we’ve all been growing up in, invariably has some kind of effect on us as we get older and older with each year. It’s strange how mortality works.
I’m not sure if you’ve ever come face-to-face with death, but speaking from personal experience, I’ve come very close to her fatal grip. It was when I was ten years old, one night at around 2 in the morning; staring out of the kitchen window into my family’s secluded backyard; when I considered the unthinkable.
I was so very close to facing my death. It was a strangely humbling moment to realize the balance of life and death; and how fragile it can be at times. The very fringes of existence had hung in the balance like never before in my life. It was a dark time, and I’m not ashamed to admit that it existed. It was a part of who I was, and even who I am now. I’m not sure how to better explain the experience, but the best way I can describe it is that it’s akin to the feeling you get when you look up to the night sky and stare out at the all-engulfing starry night sky. There’s a deeper sense of connection you have with the universe. It’s as though you finally begin to feel connected with the world; and everything that’s around you for the first time in your life.
The strange part is that I felt in my heart of hearts; that my family would understand. I’m not sure how I can explain this, but in some way, humans have this sort of innate primal knowledge, the knowledge that not every single offspring can survive in this dog-eat-dog world.
Perhaps, in another strange conundrum of life, that’s the reason why society will never fully work. To have an ideal or utopian society, you would need everyone to be “submissive” or “robotic”. That wouldn’t be a very interesting life though, and for some reason or another, humans have remained as a species which harbors a mixture of deep-rooted emotions and boundless logic.
Well, now that you have some idea of where I’m coming form; I’ll explain to you now how all of this ties into my journey in becoming a writer.
A sense of adventure and a desire for traveling has always stirred within me. This is the part of my life which has always given me hope for a memorable life-experience. To meet all types of people, learn about the many different/vivid cultures, and to understand just how diverse the world truly is. Just as much as I’ve always enjoyed creating imaginary worlds in my mind, I’ve also loved seeing the real world and the different lifestyles that are out there. Seeing and hearing the many sights and sounds of such places of secret existence is the best treasure of life.
In some way, my innate curiosity helped heal my broken heart and soul. Because what had initially caused me to nearly face my existential end, was the fact that I had been naive enough to believe the lie of a “cookie-cutter” lifestyle.
It wasn’t for me, and it never will. And I knew this would make my parents, especially my mom, very sad. I can’t settle, I can’t just sit around in a nice little condo/house and work the rest of my life away while life is happening out there in the world. The problem for me, was realizing that my life was not my own. No one’s life is their own, and that’s why I felt my soul shatter. It was the sorrow of knowing that nobody in the whole world can stop the inevitable. We certainly have the potential courage to change our fates, but often times, it comes at a cost.
My whole life, up until the moment I had begun to realize “the truths” of not only my small life, but also the lives of countless other people; I had thought everyone was living their life they way they wanted to live it. But reality had hit me, and for one reason or another, it had been a soul-shattering wake-up call for me.
Thus, when all-else had failed me; the one place I could turn to was my mind.
The world I had created was one of multifaceted drama, of experiences that were very unlike the mundane and pre-determined life I had once lived. It sprouted a never-ending fountain of creativity within me. Though I was on the brink of this life and the next, I felt something change in me. Something that reminded me what all of this madness we call life was truly all about.
To push through all the crap, to fight for your passions, and to accept that sometimes you will fail miserably. But what matters the most, is how quickly you forgive yourself and move on to the next goal or obstacle in your path.
To run through life with a sense of growing restlessness within one’s soul; that feeling you sometimes get of connecting with the world on a whole new level. This is the true meaning of life. To seek out the secrets that nobody speaks of, or even knows of. This was the life I sought out. This was the experience I wanted to remember when I grew older.
Now that I’m 24 years old, I’m nearly finished with creating the foundation for myself in order to actually create such memories in a “stable” environment (because let’s face it, even majoring in business/accounting doesn’t guarantee that you’ll have a “stable” life. Truth is, there is no such thing as “stable).
Yet the drive within me to create even more memories with different people from other countries, is what moves me forward each day. I’ve gained a new insight into what it means to be human in a world which is ever-changing. To be grounded and have a solid foundation; these are the things that matter the most out of life. No matter what pettiness exists in your life, or any other obstacles that may be hindering your “advancement” in life, you have to look past these insignificant parts of life; and remember that what truly matters is the experiences you have with those who truly matter to you. Your loved ones.
Forever in Your Debt,